tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13750460234700652542024-03-05T15:06:57.458-05:00Steph's Random WorldPretty much any and all thoughts and/or feelings that happen to pop into my head at any given moment.Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-9805317574525353042010-09-11T00:57:00.002-04:002010-09-11T01:03:28.018-04:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Stupid me. I've screwed up again. It doesn't really matter how, it's just another <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">obstacle</span> in my path. What I should have done and what I did are two entirely different things. I think if I ever woke up and had a day that was normal and easy I would have a heart attack at the end of it just from pure shock. I wish I could shut my mind off. It is easier to exist if you don't attach yourself to others. Probably the reason I have so many books. Why can't he see what I see?</span>Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-37805360819933975092010-09-10T01:57:00.000-04:002010-09-10T01:58:36.176-04:00What a stupid thing blogging is when no one even reads this shit!Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-84347738308903960502010-09-02T14:45:00.002-04:002010-09-02T14:58:30.347-04:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I don't know why I even bother to write this stupid thing. No one ever bothers to read it except me. I guess it just makes me feel better. I recently made a huge mess of the most wonderful thing I was ever a part of. I didn't even realize until it was to late. My eyes are open wide now for sure but that doesn't fix the broken heart or the fact that I miss what I lost everyday. I still cry. I've been so stupid, and selfish. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I have to tell myself I'm not walking alone. That God is holding me up, if I will take the steps. I forget that. What if I can never get back what I lost? What if it is gone forever? I will never forgive myself. I'm so upset and distracted. Yesterday a song came on the radio (a meaningful song) and I pulled into the left lane to me a left turn. I had to turn on red cause nobody could go anywhere till I moved. I hope it gets better!</span></span>Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-25913055179498038552010-07-30T03:09:00.003-04:002010-07-30T03:21:20.691-04:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#666666;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">I miss my grandpa! It will be 6 years since he past away come August. The pain is as fresh as ever. Sometimes I cry so hard and feel such agony I wish I could rip out my heart. You see he was like my father. He did all the thing my real dad should have done. He was such a strong man all of his life. He NEVER complained. Not even when they diagnosed him with an incurable disease. Not as it got harder and harder for him to breath. Not as he lost the ability to do the things he loved. Not as he lay on the couch as home withering away. Not once did he complain! Not about the endless painful shots, oxygen mask, or the pills that did no good. I feel so guilty because the sicker he got the more I stayed away. I couldn't bear the pain of seeing him that way. He had always been a mountain and he was crumbling before my eyes. I wasn't there the day he died, we were on vacation. I cannot blame myself for that. My grandma was with him when he went... in his sleep. But the raging pain I feel has not diminished. In fact it has gotten worse every year. I wish I knew why. I love you grandpa.....Clark Edward Smith (1928-2004).</span></span></span>Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-802208775583069112010-05-16T23:26:00.007-04:002010-05-16T23:40:32.019-04:00A Sad Day<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Today was sad. A few days ago a very dear friend of our family passed away, and we went to the calling hours today. When we arrived the line wound through the building and down the front steps of the funeral home. that's how amazing this woman was. she touched every life she came in contact with. She loved everyone! She was an amazing wife, mother, and grandmother! Seeing that line was a "wow" moment for me. What kind of person lives their life in such a way that so many people are touched by it? I want to be that kind of person. She was and will continue to be an inspiration in my life and the lives of those of us who remember her. I know she is in heaven, there is no doubt in my mind. Still, I grieve for what we have lost and I pray for comfort for her family. Like her son put it "She was a mother to all"! She really was. </span></span>Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-33660373032069500392010-05-16T01:16:00.005-04:002010-05-16T23:41:27.833-04:00What I think about at 1 am<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I realized as I was sitting here...it is crazy what you think about in the middle of the night. most people don't think about much because they're asleep. But those of us who tend to stay up later than most have a lot of quite time to ourselves, to you know, think and stuff. I find it irritating how the people you love can make you so mad that you just want to slug 'em and 5 minutes later everything is okay again. It isn't fair! You don't get the full value out of your "mad" time. And sometimes they don't even realize they have made you mad and you have to spell it out for them. OH that's the worst, because by the time your done explaining it, your not that mad anymore. And love! Oh my! What a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">heart wrenching</span>, wonderful mess that is. You happily, stupidly stay up 4 hours late just to say "Hi and I love you" before he leaves for work. You watch his youtube videos just so you can hear his voice and see him when he isn't around. I know....pathetic! And you spend your time wondering...does he miss me this much or am I being stupid? Maybe I misread that last signal or something! But then you think "no your just tired and stupid young one". I gotta learn not to over think everything. It's a bad habit I got from my dad. The love is there, the trust is there! This is the one, it has to be. Could anything be better? Not everyday is a walk in the clouds, but my feet are further from the ground than they used to be.</span></span>Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-28587837807392802412010-04-03T20:45:00.004-04:002010-04-03T20:53:37.310-04:00RelationshipI have been walking around in a state of constant disbelief for the last two weeks. My mind is constantly preoccupied. I have Never felt this way, never connected with someone like this. My stomach has never been so constantly tied up in knots over someone. Somedays I'm sure I could fly if I jumped off the roof (although I have abstained from trying it). At night I lie awake and think and when I sleep I dream. I push the replay button when the sappy love songs come on my mp3 player. I started cleaning ON PURPOSE! Some days I can't eat. Everything reminds me of something.Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-80424843622798152862010-04-03T01:37:00.002-04:002010-04-03T01:54:28.263-04:00Update on lifeWell it's been a while folks. So I guess an update is in order. I went through a rough patch last sunmmer and winter. But Things are on the up and up now. I have a wonderful boyfriend named Jason. I go back to college in the fall. Family is doing well. I still miss Dad but I see him occasionally. Egypt is still kickin and she is pushing 12 years old. My hamster died (poor toddy). The Cats are all good. Basically I am the happiest I have been in a long time!Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-9883367239621835722009-06-21T05:44:00.004-04:002009-06-21T06:10:18.899-04:00Thoughts spawned from a sleepless night<span style="font-family:lucida grande;"><span style="color:#3366ff;">I didn't sleep at all, again. We leave for vacation in Gatlinberg in two days. Mom, Shayne and myself, as well as our friends Michele and her daughter Danielle. We leave on Tuesday and don't return until Saturday. Much fun is expected!</span></span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">Uncle Roger found a nest of kittens under the hay combine last Saturday. Two of them were killed before he realized they were there, but the third one survived. It didn't even have its eyes open yet. He took it in to Grandma and she took care of it. As of today the kitten, a male dubbed Squish-Kitty, is doing fine and makes a lovely new addition to the family. </span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">I have recently become obsessed with a George Strait song that until a week ago I didn't know existed. I'm not sure why. It doesn't have any meaning for my life whatsoever. But I continue to listen to it over and over again. I'm afraid the track may give out on me soon. </span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">I miss my dad. He has to have an MRI on his shoulder on Monday. The Doc thinks he may have a torn rotater cuff or a ripped tendon. He is in a lot of pain all the time. Father's Day is always a hard day for me. I think it's a hard one for him too. No tears, Just emptiness where there shouldn't be. </span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">I had to have a shot for poison ivy this week. I am also on extreme doses of steroids which make me grumpy. For some reason, all I have to do is look at poison ivy cross-eyed and I'll catch it. I can get it off the animals or other people's clothes, even from just standing to close to the stupid plant. In this particular case my brother was kind enough to share it with me. The butt! (<em>my brother not the poison ivy</em>) I also had an exceptional amount of blood drawn at the hospital on Tuesday. My Doc is trying to find out why my blood isn't clotting the way it should. *sigh*</span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">On the brighter side, I passed all my classes this quarter and wasn't forced to drop anything due to Mono. I should have graduated this year! But due to my unfortunate 2 quarter battle with Mono, I am now stuck attending fall quarter yet again. Ugh!</span><br /><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;">I am grumpy! I just reread my blog.</span><span style="color:#6666cc;"> </span><span style="color:#3366ff;">Oh Well, Cheerfulness is overrated. And excessive Cheerfulness is annoying.</span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;"></span><br /><span style="color:#3366ff;"></span>Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-57790481825280152542009-06-07T02:39:00.005-04:002009-06-07T02:55:13.218-04:00Finals Freakout!!Well it's that time once again. Finals!! I have a history final on Monday June 8th and Anthropology and Math finals on Tuesday June 9th. Then, Praise the Lawd, I'm done for the summer. But, until the last final is taken and I have turned it in, I will be in a constant state of freakout. I hate it. I try not to get to worked up over it, but I always end up totally stressed. I study as hard as I can and do everything I can to do well on my finals but it never feel like I have done enough. It drives me nuts. I won't sleep well until I'm done with my classes and I know my final grades. I wish I couls see the future and know what was gonna happen. Usually I don't care to know what is gonna happen next in my life, but when it comes to my academic career it would be so nice to know. Even if it was gonna be bad, at least I would know and I wouldn't have to worry about it for weeks. Yes, I realize I'm whining. Sometimes I just need to! Anyway, if you run into me in the next couple of days and I am grumpy and look like I haven't slept in six weeks...this is why.Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-61890876726035608002009-05-29T15:05:00.005-04:002009-05-29T15:49:44.464-04:00Ask God: 10 Questions for the Ultimate Creator<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">All of my life I have ask my mother questions that she couldn't answer. It seems there are some questions that only God can answer. I have compiled a list of questions that have plagued my mind for ages. When I get to Heaven...these are the questions I am going to as God.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:Trebuchet MS;">1.) <strong>Where did you come from?</strong> </span><br /><br />I know that God created the world and that he has been around longer than any human being can comprehend. I also know that God created Jesus. So....where did God come from. The answer that he has just always been is incomprehensible to my human mind. When I ask God this question he either need to explain where he came from or help me to understand the real meaning of <em>forever.</em><br /><br /><br /><br />2.) <strong>Was there ever...or is there... in a Galaxy far far away, a world similar to ours? </strong><br /><br /><strong></strong>The Bible says that God created the world. It also says he created the heavens. It says nothing however about any other planets containing life. But, the Bible was created as a guide for humans on this planet. that doesn't mean God couldn't have created another world somewhere else.<br /><br /><br /><br />3.) <strong>Why create cats? Why not unicorns or mermaids? I mean come on...cats for crying out loud!</strong><br /><br /><strong></strong>Unicorns are beautiful and mysterious. Mermaids are are similar to humans...except for the tail. What good are cats? They come into your house and take over! They quietly take over your entire life. They're cats. Their goal is world domination!<br /><br /><br /><br />4.) <strong>Why couldn't we have direct contact with you so you could tell us what you want?</strong><br /><br /><strong></strong>When we pray, it is so hard to wait for a sign about what we should do or for an answer. Why couldn't we hear your voice in our head. It would be so much easier to do what you wanted if we knew what it was.<br /><br /><br /><br />5.) <strong>Why did/does life have to be so hard?</strong><br /><br /><strong></strong>A pretty self explanatory question if you ask me.<br /><br /><br /><br />6.)<strong> If there isn't life on other planets, then what are the UFOs people have been seeing for centuries?</strong><br /><br />I would like an exact explanation for this. It has always bugged me. Give me a visual please!<br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341331928975363858" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 172px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMCBO8AVBmcXJhvV2EjweTggaUaAcnA0ay0sUO_krF3fd4VOGsJMj8eX62WtpfVkueY_j253LnrTuiXW6EsnhaooOfoAZBcmAS8KBdgD6TrPLhXTLCm_-d7Jlgq6jy7tl5Fp1rVj9w17xz/s200/UFO.jpg" border="0" />7.) <strong>What's the deal with Bigfoot and Lochness? Do they or Don't they?</strong><br />If they exist, why can't we find them? Are they just the ultimate hide-and-seek champions or are they figments of the incredible human imagination?<br /><br /><br />8.)<strong> Why do bad things happen to good people? And why are nasty people allowed to get away with so much?</strong><br /><strong></strong>Again pretty self explanatory!<br /><br /><br />9.)<strong> Do you really hear every single tiny, little prayer of all the gazillions of prayers being prayed every minute?</strong><br /><strong></strong>If you do Kudos to you, but how do you do it?<br /><br /><br />10.) <strong>What was your favorite memory of my life?</strong><br /><br />Of all the things that happened in my life, of all the moments...what was your favorite?<br /><br />So those are my questions! If you read this blog and think..."hey, I have questions to!" feel free to add them to my list in a comment. I would love to know what they are.Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-86226318892435952112009-05-24T04:10:00.010-04:002009-05-24T04:55:07.986-04:00Cats<span style="font-family:lucida grande;">The current time is 4:12 am. I am completely and utterly awake. So, after exhausting myself on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Facebook</span> I found myself on my blog. The Internet is a lifesaver when I can't sleep. OK... so the title of this blog is <em>cats.</em> And for good reason. The last few days have been <em>cat</em><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">astrophic</span>. My cat is an outside cat. Sometimes I don't see her for days, and sometimes I see her everyday. I hadn't seen her for almost a week and I was getting a little worried. Then Thursday afternoon, she showed up on the front porch with a paw the size of Rhode Island. Apparently she had gotten her foot caught in the mouth of something larger than her. (She has a tendency to over estimate her own size) I immediately took her out to my grandma's house, where first aid was applied. </span><br />Tallie (that's the cat's name) has been in the house now for three days while her paw heals. She has also been getting antibiotics to stem off infection. Now she has taken over the dog's bed in the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">living room</span>. The dog (a boxer) is afraid of Tallie, so she cries because she has no place to lay down. When she isn't on the dog's bed, she is sleeping in the middle of the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">love seat</span> so no one else can sit there. Something else you need to know about Tallie. She is bad. Not a little bad, she is really, really bad. She used to be an indoor/outdoor cat. She was banished to the outdoors because one day she crawled into my mother's bed (under the comforter) and peed all over the place. Her litter box was available and clean, but apparently my mother had done something Tallie disapproved of. Any time anyone left the bathroom door open, Tallie would pee or poop on the floor or the towels. Thus, she was banished. But whenever something is wrong with her, we come running to save her. I still love her. I don't know how, I don't know why. Now that Tallie is inside for a while, our inside cat is so jealous. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Catundra</span>, is running around the house, clawing at the furniture, and pouncing on unsuspecting pedestrians in the living room. I have scratches on my feet. When I go to bed, she claws at my bedroom door. If I let her in the bedroom, she claws up my carpet. Which leads me to the question.... Why do we have cats?Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-69197510229130487042009-05-20T14:13:00.004-04:002009-05-20T14:25:52.860-04:00<span style="font-family:verdana;">I was on my way to class this morning and the sun was shining brightly through my car windows. I was suddenly struck by how awesome God is. Occasionally, and at very random times I get hit with a blast of God's coolness and it is overwhelming to say the least. As I was driving along the interstate, I noticed how green the trees and the grasses were. The sky was the perfect shade of blue. It was warm and sunny out and I was just praising God. There are things in this world that are so amazing that you just need to stop and take it in for a while. Looking at the beautiful day outside, I wonder how people can even question the existence of a creator. The Big Bang Theory is crazy. I have seen things go "bang" and the end result looks nothing like what I saw today! The theory that we crawled out of some primordial sludge...I have seen that under a microscope and believe me... it is not so pretty or creative. God it the ultimate creator and I would love to get a peek inside his imagination. He and I are not always on such happy terms. In fact, most of the time I am wondering where he is or if he even cares. But, then I have a day like today. A day where God shows me that he is always right here and that he does care. Most of the time, being the imperfect human being that I am, I want thing fixed RIGHT NOW! And God, being the ULTIMATE God that he is, knows better. Tomorrow I will be grumpy again, and have another problem that I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">want</span> God to fix "right now" and will have completely <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">forgotten</span> my insights of today. But <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">for</span> now I am very happy to be basking in the glow of God's love. </span>Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-45641756377570977042009-05-12T00:35:00.003-04:002009-05-12T00:46:44.926-04:00Tribute to MomI realize this is a couple days late but I'm sure that nobody will really care. As Mother's Day passesd this year I found myself thinking about how truely blessed I am in the mom department. My mom is the best. We have been through so much together in the last 21 years. I don't know of anyone who would of stood by me through so much except my mom. She is so strong and such a good Christian woman. She has been such an anchor in my life. It makes me think about all those people out there who don't have mothers, or who have mothers that don't care. I feel so bad for those people. I don't know how I would have gotten this far without my mom. I love you MOM!!!Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-89528175434678064022009-05-09T22:16:00.005-04:002009-05-09T22:33:11.051-04:00Lonely Day<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">Today was just another boring <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Saturday</span>. As usual I spent the day alone in my room. A friend of mine was supposed to come over and hang out, but of course that didn't work out. So, I watched <em>Gone with the Wind</em>. It seems like I spend every weekend alone. For some reason I don't have any good friends to hang out with. I don't know why. My best friend from high school goes to a different college than I do and even though he still lives near by he never wants to hang out anymore. Most of the time I'm pretty lonely. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself at the moment. It makes me so mad when people say " you shouldn't feel sorry for yourself." I realize there are a lot of people in the world worse off than me. I feel bad for them too. I pray every night for God's guidance and support. For God to help me find some friends to hang out with once in a while. I have been praying the same prayer for years. Nothing seems to make any difference. Sometimes I feel like God couldn't care less. I try to find comfort in the Bible and in prayer, but I never really feel any better and I'm not sure what to do. I'm tired of being alone all the time. Even when I'm at school I feel really alone because I don't have any good friends. Maybe I'm just a freak and I'm not able to make friends. I just feel kind of lost. I'm not sure where to go or what to do from here.</span>Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1375046023470065254.post-55546379909480984032009-05-09T01:47:00.000-04:002009-05-09T02:04:42.540-04:00Intro blogWell this is my first official blog. I have to give some credit to Nate Gibbons. His blog inspired me to start blogging again. Thanks Nate! That was the one thing I missed when I switched from MySpace to Facebook...no blog. Sooo...I have decided 2 am is the best time to blog because all the thoughts of the day are so much more clear. Thoughts are so much easier to express in writing than out loud. The night air floating through the window is muggy and soothing. I still find myself having trouble getting to sleep though. This is only an intro blog so I'll keep it short and sweet. I may write another blog this evening though, on another topic.Stephhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11268266566130032311noreply@blogger.com0