Stupid me. I've screwed up again. It doesn't really matter how, it's just another obstacle in my path. What I should have done and what I did are two entirely different things. I think if I ever woke up and had a day that was normal and easy I would have a heart attack at the end of it just from pure shock. I wish I could shut my mind off. It is easier to exist if you don't attach yourself to others. Probably the reason I have so many books. Why can't he see what I see?

What a stupid thing blogging is when no one even reads this shit!

I don't know why I even bother to write this stupid thing. No one ever bothers to read it except me. I guess it just makes me feel better. I recently made a huge mess of the most wonderful thing I was ever a part of. I didn't even realize until it was to late. My eyes are open wide now for sure but that doesn't fix the broken heart or the fact that I miss what I lost everyday. I still cry. I've been so stupid, and selfish. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I have to tell myself I'm not walking alone. That God is holding me up, if I will take the steps. I forget that. What if I can never get back what I lost? What if it is gone forever? I will never forgive myself. I'm so upset and distracted. Yesterday a song came on the radio (a meaningful song) and I pulled into the left lane to me a left turn. I had to turn on red cause nobody could go anywhere till I moved. I hope it gets better!

I miss my grandpa! It will be 6 years since he past away come August. The pain is as fresh as ever. Sometimes I cry so hard and feel such agony I wish I could rip out my heart. You see he was like my father. He did all the thing my real dad should have done. He was such a strong man all of his life. He NEVER complained. Not even when they diagnosed him with an incurable disease. Not as it got harder and harder for him to breath. Not as he lost the ability to do the things he loved. Not as he lay on the couch as home withering away. Not once did he complain! Not about the endless painful shots, oxygen mask, or the pills that did no good. I feel so guilty because the sicker he got the more I stayed away. I couldn't bear the pain of seeing him that way. He had always been a mountain and he was crumbling before my eyes. I wasn't there the day he died, we were on vacation. I cannot blame myself for that. My grandma was with him when he went... in his sleep. But the raging pain I feel has not diminished. In fact it has gotten worse every year. I wish I knew why. I love you grandpa.....Clark Edward Smith (1928-2004).

A Sad Day

Today was sad. A few days ago a very dear friend of our family passed away, and we went to the calling hours today. When we arrived the line wound through the building and down the front steps of the funeral home. that's how amazing this woman was. she touched every life she came in contact with. She loved everyone! She was an amazing wife, mother, and grandmother! Seeing that line was a "wow" moment for me. What kind of person lives their life in such a way that so many people are touched by it? I want to be that kind of person. She was and will continue to be an inspiration in my life and the lives of those of us who remember her. I know she is in heaven, there is no doubt in my mind. Still, I grieve for what we have lost and I pray for comfort for her family. Like her son put it "She was a mother to all"! She really was.

What I think about at 1 am

It's almost 1:30 in the morning and I realized as I was sitting here...it is crazy what you think about in the middle of the night. most people don't think about much because they're asleep. But those of us who tend to stay up later than most have a lot of quite time to ourselves, to you know, think and stuff. I find it irritating how the people you love can make you so mad that you just want to slug 'em and 5 minutes later everything is okay again. It isn't fair! You don't get the full value out of your "mad" time. And sometimes they don't even realize they have made you mad and you have to spell it out for them. OH that's the worst, because by the time your done explaining it, your not that mad anymore. And love! Oh my! What a heart wrenching, wonderful mess that is. You happily, stupidly stay up 4 hours late just to say "Hi and I love you" before he leaves for work. You watch his youtube videos just so you can hear his voice and see him when he isn't around. I know....pathetic! And you spend your time wondering...does he miss me this much or am I being stupid? Maybe I misread that last signal or something! But then you think "no your just tired and stupid young one". I gotta learn not to over think everything. It's a bad habit I got from my dad. The love is there, the trust is there! This is the one, it has to be. Could anything be better? Not everyday is a walk in the clouds, but my feet are further from the ground than they used to be.

Relationship

I have been walking around in a state of constant disbelief for the last two weeks. My mind is constantly preoccupied. I have Never felt this way, never connected with someone like this. My stomach has never been so constantly tied up in knots over someone. Somedays I'm sure I could fly if I jumped off the roof (although I have abstained from trying it). At night I lie awake and think and when I sleep I dream. I push the replay button when the sappy love songs come on my mp3 player. I started cleaning ON PURPOSE! Some days I can't eat. Everything reminds me of something.